Beautiful all on your own

My 5-year-old Hailey is a full on girlie girl. She loves dressing up and getting her nails painted. Also, she has recently discovered that she likes makeup. Now of course I’m not letting her wear makeup daily. If we are home she likes to play in her own kids makeup set. This does blow my mind because I don’t wear much makeup or jewelry and I don’t dress up much.

She is her own person and I love it. We recently went through a faze where she thought she wasn’t pretty without all the extras. We had to take a break from it all until she could see how beautiful she is. She did get through that.

Fast forward a couple months and we are having a girls night. I was doing their hair and painting nails. Hannah my 3-year-old was playing with some old lipstick of mine.

Later that night when getting ready for bed I went to wash her face. She started to cry and said she wasn’t pretty without it, here we go again. I told her mommy doesn’t wear makeup, does she think I’m pretty? She said yes mommy is pretty but still she seemed upset.

Hailey to the rescue on this one. She said “Hannah you are pretty without makeup, nails painted or the clothes you wear. You don’t need anything to be pretty you are beautiful all on your own.” This melted my heart I was happy to hear she had been listening to me.

All of this prompted a new tradition in our house. We all take turns standing on a stool and naming one thing we like about ourselves. It can be a personality trait, looks or a good deed you did that day.

The girls give some funny answers but, I love doing it. I also must do it along with their dad. If someone is having a hard day and cannot think of anything they like, everyone else will name something they like about that person.

My hope is that I’m helping them with self confidence, being a girl is hard. Also to see there are things to like about themselves other than their looks. I never thought I would need to deal with this with them so young. Just in case someone else is dealing with this just take a breath they are okay and you are not alone in dealing with this.

Anger is good!😡😠

This past year I have finally learned how to be angry. Now I know that sounds silly because I’m 30, of course I have been mad before. This year is different I can actually confront my feelings and the person I’m mad at.

I’m a people pleaser at heart, I want everyone to like me and no on have bad feelings towards me. Even when I was little I would make myself sick to my stomach trying to be perfect.

So what did it? What finally let me breathe and express my Anger? A number of factors I believe. I made a new friend that is a big one. We met at work and instantly became friends. Having someone I trust to vent to about my life everyday is amazing. Not that I don’t have other friends I do. It is just hard to have time outside of work and my kids.

I also started going to therapy. Someone who has no prejudgement to my life. Someone who can give me professional advise to help me better myself and hold me accountable to my word.

The more I focused on myself instead of worring about everyone else’s feelings the better I felt. I’m not going to lie I went overboard for a minute. My boyfriend had no idea what was happening. However, my anger has made our relationship so much better. Me keeping my feelings inside lead to anger on his side that he couldn’t resolve because I wouldn’t talk about it.

Imagine being really mad at someone and instead of confronting them you just shut down. You become quite, distant and eventually you get depressed. Anxiety kicks in you don’t want to deal, terrified of the outcome. You have to get strong. Find someone to help you through your feelings.

If someone doesn’t like your new found strength and power then they don’t deserve you. So don’t be afraid to piss someone off, express what you are feeling. I feel keeping everything inside can destroy who you are. You are awesome so don’t let this overtake your life. You can take baby steps into it and move at your own pace.

I am still working on myself it is not something that is fixed overnight. Just take the first step and try to talk to someone you trust. Go find you!

How to take care of you

Let me start by saying I’m terrible at self care but I’m working on it. It is incredibly easy to never worry about yourself. For me my life is all about my two girls. I make sure they have everything they need 24/7.

I would probably be a better women/mom if I took some time for myself. As someone who deals with anxiety and depression this is vital to my mental health.

I have to leave myself reminder notes on the fridge like paint your nails, read a book do yoga. I don’t have the time or money to go out and do much for myself. I make the best of what I can do at home. That small time frame after the girls go to bed and before I do.

Now I do believe you need time outside the house for yourself as well. Lunch with a friend and a nature hike sound amazing but, I can’t count on always being able to do that.

The small things I do at home make a difference, the more I make time for myself the better I start feeling. I do breathing excerises to try to release my stress. I didn’t realize how stressed and tense I was until I started taking care of myself.

Mom’s and women in general tend to take care of everyone and everything but themselves. We are so busy we don’t notice how unhealthy we are, until you wake up and your 20lbs heavy and can’t keep up with your kids.

I’m curious what other people do for self care. What do you do even if it’s small to take care of yourself?

No fear

I wish I had the bravery my kids do. Look at this video, Hailey had no idea what she was doing. She was just sure she was going to try to do a cartwheel. Even when she failed to do so she still struck a pose at the end. She did this over and over again until she got closer to a doing something awesome in her words. Never giving up never getting upset over it. She never did do a cartwheel, but she had fun trying. Honestly Hailey is usually scared of trying new things, scared of failure. We all are guilty of not trying new things due to fear of failing. So seeing her in this light made me so happy. I hope for both my girls and myself to not live in fear. So I will take a breathe and be bold and try new things without the fear of failing paralyzing me. I have to show my girls how it is done. Even though lately they have been showing me the right way to live. Hopefully in the next couple weeks I’ll post about something new I have done. 😁

The dreadful daycare call

I am exhausted today, probably from all the unnecessary crying. Today I got a call from my daycare telling me I needed to come pick up my 3-year-old Hannah because she was hitting people among other things. To make this day crystal clear let me explain my background.

I am always getting a talking to at work because of my attendance. Granted this is called for, I do miss a lot between my own health problems and my kids getting sick. We are on a point system and I’m usually close to getting fired. So anytime I have to miss I tend to have anxiety over it.

Now this day there was 3 out of 5 people missing from work today. I already know it is going to be a crazy day.

Of course, this happens to be the day my daycare calls. Hannah is hitting other kids and teachers. She even threw rocks at a teacher. They had every right to call me to get her. However, instantly my mind starts to derail.

Is she kicked out forever? I should have asked while I was on the phone. Why do I never ask any questions?

What will I do if she is kicked out forever? I’ll have to quit my job. I don’t have enough PTO to take time to find another daycare. No daycare will want to take a kid who hits.

What will I do for money? I’ll have to figure something out.

Can I handle being home 24/7 with my girls? Hailey my 5-year-old starts kindergarten this year then it will just be Hannah.

This goes on the entire way to daycare, as I am crying like a baby. I’m so embarrassed, I am already having issues with Hailey not hitting just a separate issue. I can’t handle Hannah having issues as well.

I should be tougher on Hannah, she doesn’t hit me or act like this at home. However, since I’m usually dealing with Hailey I may not notice how easy I’m being on Hannah.

I finally get to the daycare and I’m still crying. I feel so bad she acted this way. They tell me she isn’t kicked out forever just today. Of course, the teachers hugged me because I’m a mess. They tell me Hannah is just having a bad day. Luckily my boyfriend Hannah’s dad was able to get off and took her home so I could go back to work.

I head back to work still not under control. I think no wonder Hannah is acting this way, I can’t even control my own emotions today.

I dive straight back into work and avoid everyone until I stop crying. I recommend focusing on your breathing. Lucky for me this isn’t the first time I have cried at work so they know the drill. When I finally got home Hannah told me she was sorry that she made me cry today.

Hannah is a amazing, funny and smart girl who is just having a hard time right now. All weekend we have talked about how we don’t hit. I made sure to correct any slightly unacceptable behavior.

Just in case any other moms out there gets this phone call, you are not alone. It doesn’t mean you are a bad mom. It doesn’t mean your kid is bad. It just means Hannah and I need to work together to help her succeed. So I’m going take a breath and try to figure this out.

Working mom struggle

I am struggling lately with being a full time working mom. I go back and forth on it all the time. On one hand I want to show my girl’s that you can have a career and have kids. On the other hand I just love my kids and want to be there for them more.

My oldest is starting kindergarten this year and I cannot handle it. I am able to drop her off, but the daycare will be picking her up. My daughter is so sad because she wants me to be able to pick her up and so do I. The fact that money rules my life so much kills me.

If I stay working full time it will continue to be a time crunch all the time. By the time we get home I rush to cook dinner. Then we have about 30-45 minutes of play time before we have to start bath time. Maybe there is time to color a page but then it’s book time and bed time.

What is going to happen when she starts school? When I feel like she will need me more than ever. She will have homework; will I have the mental strength left in my day to help her? It is not even a question, yes I will have to help her no matter what my day was like.

It is unfair to my kids that sometimes they don’t get 100% mommy. Their childhood is just flying past me. I know it is just part of life but I wish I could fix that.

You have no ideal how many times I have convinced myself to go part time. I do really like my job that is part of the problem. I don’t think they would even allow me to go part time. Then I would have to start over some where else and that sounds terrible. I actually have a future at my current job and I don’t want to mess that up.

What is more important…my kids of course. You have to think about yourself as well. What my future will be after my kid are grown and I can work full time again. Will anyone want me at that point?

This is a major internal struggle I deal with on the regular. So just in case you are a mom struggling with this decision you are not alone. Whatever you chose to do it right. It’s okay to have a full time career and it’s okay to chose to stay home.

Don’t tell me what to do

Let me start by saying my boyfriend and I have been sharing a car for months and things are tense sometimes.

We are doing our usual routine of getting the girls; we also do a grocery pick up. I am usually not the one who drives but, tonight I was. After leaving with our groceries, I make my first stop we hear bags in the back rolling around.

Immediately my boyfriend says, “whoa crazy driver.” I brush that off and keep going. Every single freaking time I go around a corner or barely hit the brakes things are rolling around in the back.

At this point my boyfriend is trying to give me driving tips. Now I don’t know about you, but I hate being told what to do. I’m immediately annoyed.

Me “Maybe it’s the way the bags were put in.”

Him “Maybe you should hit the brakes softer.”

Me “I don’t know how I could hit them any softer.”

Him “You just need to hit them sooner so you don’t have to hit them so hard.”

Me “Oh is that how brakes work thanks for letting me know.”

We have a 20 minute drive home so this went on for a while. By the time we get to our driveway I could not be more aggravated.

I sped up a tiny bit in the driveway and he says “you better not.”


Now at this point I should have just taken a deep breathe. Instead I slam on my brakes so all the bags go everywhere. Was that soft enough for you? My girls thought it was awesome.

The next morning he is driving, as soon as we leave we hear a bag rolling around.

You can bet your sweet ass I gave him “driving tips” all the way to town. As petty as it may have been I had so much fun with it. We finally get to town and stop to see what is in the back… was a freaking watermelon in a Wal-Mart bag. We both got a good laugh about it.

Yes he apologized and told me I was a good driver. It is nice to be with someone who can dish it out and take it otherwise life would get pretty boring.

Get them outside

In today’s world it’s so easy to stay inside. Just watch t.v. your phone or for the kids playing games on tablets. Now don’t get me wrong we do all of those things sometimes.

However outside time is still the favorite. The whole family was happy when winter was FINALLY OVER.

My girls amaze me with their imagination if they both have a baby doll in their hands they are set. Just adding hula hoops, chalk, a jump rope and bubbles and we are outside all day.

Melts my heart to see them chasing each other around laughing and playing. I see to often kids that don’t get outside at all glued to their screens.

I’ve see parents doing the same thing. We took the girls to the park one day, I watched a man push his little girl on the swing while watching his phone. She would try and talk to him and he would give one word answers if any at all. Never looked up from his phone once.

Now I understand people have things going on but it made me so sad. I just wanted to go play with her. I watch people sit in their car on their phones while their little kids play.

It’s their loss I love the memories of playing with my kids. You have to make time for them. Now I do have lazy days where I want to sit inside and do nothing. It’s not fair to them so I take a deep breathe get my lazy ass up and go outside to play.

So make time for your kids. I am always trying to do better myself. Get them outside away from screens interacting with other people, getting exercise and sunlight. Help them live their best life.

Bedtime struggle

I try to keep a strict bedtime routine with my kids. No tv a couple hours before bed time. Brush teeth go potty the normal stuff.

Somehow it’s still a surprise every night. I’ll say who wants to brush their teeth. They both yell back NO ONE.

They do love our routine of having a 3 book minimum every night. Sometimes when I don’t feel good I’ll try and skip one. Oh hell no they will not let that happen. So if I have a headache I ask them to read. Nothing is cuter than hearing your 3 and 5 year old try to read.

After the books is the hard part. Everyone is thirsty or needs a tissue or a hug a different blanket. That list could go on and on.

Tonight my 3 year old bit herself just to be able to come out so I can kiss her boo boo. My girls share a room so I am telling them over and over to stop talking. Even though it’s adorable hearing them giggle with each other. Most the time it’s them yelling at each other “stop it….dont touch me….give that back”

As you can see in the picture above one of my girls thought she could sleep with her bed covered in toys. As I’m removing them she says “Mommy I can’t sleep without ALL my toys” at this point I’m over it and just tell her she’s fine and give her a kiss goodnight.

So when you feel like losing your mind because your kids won’t just shut up and go to bed you are not alone.

I have to remind myself that they are only little once. One day they won’t care if I tuck them in and give them bed time kisses. So take a breath and go fix your 5 years old pony tail for the 4th time and get the bunny not the dog stuffed animal. Enjoy them while they are little. Because one day they will be all grown up.

Holiday overload

I love the holidays but I also hate them. We went to see both sides of the family today. Which I love doing it just makes for a LONG day.

All the sugar made my children lose their freaking mind. So our 2nd stop got cut short due to me knowing my kids were about to lost it and start crying over everything.

When we leave my 3 year old fights sleep the whole time. Of course its when we are about two minutes from the house she decides fall asleep. She couldn’t fall asleep when we first left which we have about a 30 minute drive home, that would have been a good power nap.

As we are home everyone is randomly crying about everything. If I’m being honest I should include myself I just wanted a nap too. So me bitting people’s heads off probably didn’t help.

I’m a pretty home bound person, so being gone all day is exhausting. Now my 3 year is crying because she wants more candy, my 5 year old is crying because she thinks I don’t like her anymore for some reason.

They are driving me nuts. I decide to go outside with them. Usually they are always happy outside. Well then my 5 year olds newly found allergies act up and her eye is swollen. Back inside to the war zone.

Luckily their dad took my tiny one back outside. Needless to say I put their little asses to bed an hour early and they are out like a light.

I’m going to go eat a left over brownie that my boyfriend’s mom made, read a chapter in my book called “I might regret this” and relax.

Now keep in mind I still have laundry to switch, fold and put away. But I’m going to try and forget about that for like 30 minutes or so.

Everyone especially mommy’s out there need to make time for yourself. I’m used to taking care of everyone else so I know it’s hard to remember. When the girls are finally quite and I know they are sleeping I take the biggest breathe in knowing I can finally relax.