Breakdown during meditation

Meditation is a powerful thing your spirit and physical body can have some major reactions. This is great for me, who doesn’t love instant results. It didn’t instantly change anything about me. To feel something real, bring out emotions or show the truth about yourself is so powerful.

The first time I tried meditation I was in therapy. I couldn’t get out of my head and my therapist wanted to give me a tool to help. I laid back and she started doing guided imagery meditation.

She walked me through some breathing just to first try and relax me. I really struggle at first, I couldn’t stop my mind. I’m thinking this won’t work. Then before I knew it I was breathing how she asked and I could feel my body responding to what she is saying. From my head to my toes I finally relax.

The thoughts would still come back but, it become easier to push them away. She lead me to imagine sitting on the most comfortable couch. The more I would relax the further I would sink into the couch. As I sank I did relax in my mind. As I sunk as far as I could in the couch she asked me to lift myself up.

This was supposed to lead me to floating in the sky free of worry. This was not the case for me. I did float in the sky however, it was not all of me. Only part of me let’s say my spirit was able to leave the couch and float into the sky. I just watched my lifeless body still stuck in the couch. I instantly was brought to tears. This is how bad I was without realizing it.

I was so tense and full of anxiety I couldn’t fully relax. I couldn’t let go and be free. As my therapist brought me back out of meditating I am in tears. It was heartbreaking to watch myself. I told her I didn’t think it worked.

She said the opposite it worked perfect. I experienced something powerful and I saw what I needed to see. I now fully understand where I am at and where I want to be. Sometimes it is really hard to fully understand where you are physically or emotionally. I knew I needed help which is why I was in therapy. That vision really helped me understand more.

Years later now I am much better. Anxiety never really fully goes away. You learn how to manage it live with it. I changed almost every aspect of my life for the better.

When my mind is getting the best of me at night. I go online and search meditation for sleep. They have mediation for any issue you are having. There are quick ones for if you are panicking in the middle of the day. There are so many ways to help manage your life for the better.

Find what makes you feel stronger. Whether it is mediation, yoga, exercise or a combination do it. Don’t let anyone tell you it is silly or won’t work. What won’t work is doing nothing! You are stronger than you think and you got this. Take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other and see how far you can go.

Quiting my job for my health was just the start

Quitting my job was the hardest decision I have made in a long time. My health was at an all time low. I couldn’t go more than a week without missing a day. I would get a virus and could hardly function for weeks at a time. The guilt I felt everytime I missed was eating me up inside.

I loved my job and everyone I worked with. I started there as a part time receptionist. I worked my way up throughout the 5 years I was there. I was really good at my job and had great frienships with everyone there. I found my best friend there.

They worked so hard to keep me there. There was a point system and I was always close to losing my job. I am forever grateful for how everyone helped me there.

When corona hit I took it as a sign. I get sick to easily it had me shook. I went on personal leave for a while, and stayed home with my girls. I have always dealt with anxeity and now it is sky high. I started to have full body panic attacks and ended up starting some medication to help me.

Finally I decided to put my notice in. I didn’t feel it was fair to everyone that I worked with to pick up my slack all the time from being sick constantly. I cried a lot over this decision. At this point I couldn’t hardly drive without panicking. There was no turning back once I hit the send button on my email.

Leaving my career was hard I worked my butt off to get to where I was. The anxeity and depression I was facing because of my health, just wasn’t bearable anymore. I knew I had to take my life into my own hands and change for the better.

At first it was so hard. I literally had to keeping moving all day to keep my anxeity at bay. If I sat more than 15 minutes I would feel the anxeity and depression creep in. After the first month I started to slowly improve.

A lot of that was thanks to the new medication I started. I don’t know why I waited so long. I have battled these emotions ever since I was a little kid. At first I didn’t realize what it was, I do think it took a long time to figure out why I struggled in life.

Once I realized it I was in so deep I didn’t know how to reach out for help. Everyone just knew how I was, knew how to tiptoe around me. I was embarrassed to say I need help I’m not okay.

This time it was affecting my ability to be 100% mommy to my kids. I knew I had to let everyone close to me what was happening. I needed people to help me. I changed my diet and started to exercise more. I started seeing my therapist again. Luckily all of this worked, my overall mood was so much better. I was able to play with my kids like I never have gotten to before. My relationship is better than it has ever been with my boyfriend.

I also have health issues that have been a major factor to my health. Those symptoms have almost completely gone away as well. It is crazy how long I didn’t live my life to it’s fullest. I had no ideal that my job was stressing me out this much.

I missed out on so much. I now feel like I wasn’t 100% present in my own life. My eyes are wide open now. Sometimes we need to take time to figure ourselves out. I am greatful for having the opportunity to be able to do this. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me to continue this path I’m on.

All the hard work is more than worth it. I am nervous to start working again. However, now I have a support system as well. People to call me out if I don’t seem like myself. I know now the signs to look out for myself. If my anxeity is getting worse. If I’m getting sick all the time.

People think anxiety is people curled up in a ball crying. Yes, sometimes it is. Other times it starts killing your immue system and your sick all the time. I went to so many doctors, had so many tests run. No one could tell me why I was sick so much.

Leaving my job changed my life forever. I would never want to go back and change my decision. Taking care of yourself is so important. If your feeling off just start a conversation. Get your feeling out and never give up on yourself. You are worth the effect. You are worth everything. There is help out there. There is light on the other side.

I was lucky to have a great job. I liked coming to work and I worked with grest people. I was there about 5 years and build grest relationships with everyone there.
The major problem there was me.
I always struggled with my mental and physical health. My co-workers unfortunately had to deal with this all the time. Towards the end of my time there I couldn’t go more than a week without missing a day.
The guilt of missing was unbearable for me. Everyone I worked with was always understanding

Mommy is not okay

Why must we be so strong all the time? This is the question I ask myself all the time. How many times have you had a hard day and tell your kids I’m okay? Doesn’t matter if you are sick, pissed or crying you always say I’m okay.

Why? Sometimes I’m not okay!

You know what? Sometimes my kids are not okay. I want them to express that they are tired or crabby. They can tell me if they need space or a big hug.

For a very long time I hid all my emotions. Not just from my kids but from the world. I would hold all my feeling inside to the point of having stomach pains even as a child. That is the last thing I want for my girls.

Kids need to see emotions and more importantly see how you handle and get through them. My kids know I go to therapy and practice yoga. If we are all having a bad day just have a dance party to let it all out.

My girls have seen me crying and ask what’s wrong and I tell them. Not in great detail or anything, just I had a rough day or I’m not feeling well. They give me a giant hug and I start to feel better. Even when I try to hide it they know might as well be honest about it.

My kids know I get angry argue with their dad sometimes. They also see how we get through that and then are okay. I’m not saying you need to involve your kids in every break down or emotion you have. I just feel it’s healthy for mommy to say I’m not okay sometimes.

I don’t want them to grow up being afraid to show emotion like I was. I want them to response correctly to someone who is having a hard time. Be a helpful and caring person in this world.

It is okay to feel all your feelings. It is okay to say your not okay. Take a breath and let out some of those emotions. I promise in the end you will feel better.










Music therapy

Music is my daily therapy. No matter what emotions I’m going through there is a song for it. I’m lucky enough to get to listen to music throughout my day at work.

I started out my day really pissed off. No real reason I was tired but, that isn’t a new thing. I decided to start my day with some feel good music.

I work through the nothingness I was pissed about and I move to my next genre and play some alternative. I’m in a good groove at work taking calls, putting in orders and quotes and then bam.

Grateful Dead comes on, every time I hear them I think of my Step dad Mike. He has been passed for some time now and this was his music. There is a Grateful Dead sticker on the door at my house and my girls are always counting the bears. It always makes me smile, he would have loved seeing that.

This music makes me think of summer time, he would be outside blaring Grateful Dead or the oldest country music he could find. BBQing while smoking his smokes and drinking some beer. He would just be sitting back sharing a little of his beer with my dog Rufus, as I yell at him for it. I never thought I would miss those moments so much.

He would make my then teenage self sit outside and monitor him while he took on dangerous tasks. Like climbing a 100 year old wooden latter to cut dead limbs down from our trees. “Just sit there and call 911 if I fall out of this damn tree”

I would get so mad at him and my mom for waking me up at the crack of dawn so go fishing. I don’t fish nor did I like getting up early. Also I was forced to in his words “bum around.” Endless day of driving to no where really.

So here I am crying at my desk at work because Grateful dead came on. Music is a powerful thing. I think maybe he was watching over me today. Just checking in to see if he needs to yell at me for being a dumba**.

My mom will not like that I’m cursing in this but there is no talking about Mike without a little cursing. I mean we had a cat that he named damn it because he was always running under our feet.

He was the dad I always needed and I wish he could have been around longer. So when your parents are driving you crazy just remember they may not always be around. You will miss them driving you crazy, I know I do. I’m glad I was dragged around to make memories with my family. Sometimes the perfect music comes on to remind you of what you are missing.

My girls are my peace

My children are the cause of my insanity and my peace. I know that might sound crazy but, it is so true. There are times when my kids drive me crazy, when they are not listening and acting wild. It seems as soon as I am about to lose it one of them does the sweetest thing and all the bad is eased.

I recently was thankful for Hannah my 3 year old. It was one of those crazy nights with my girls. They were super hyper not listening running around like a bunch of wild bulls. I put them to bed and just tried to relax. As I try to sleep myself I keep getting woke up. Hannah wakes up screaming with a bad dream. Hailey had to go to the bathroom around midnight, then woke up at 2am and found her tablet and was playing games. I went in her room and asked what she was doing. She said ” well mommy you left it in here.” AHHH at this point I am so tired and just done. I just want to get some sleep, you wouldn’t think it would be so hard.

Finally when no one is screaming or having to go potty everything is still and quiet. Everything that is except my brain. My mind would not stop running, I was thinking and stressing about things for no reason. Started with the dentist, when did the girls go last? Are they overdue to go? When did they last get vaccines? I think they are good I need to call all their doctors tomorrow and make sure I’m not behind. I am probably totally behind on something. Will they judge me “oh there is Hailey and Hannah’s mom always running behind.”

My mind goes on like this for about an hour. I am crying at this point because I don’t know how to make it stop. I tried to get up and get a drink, deep breathing even some mediation music. Nothing is working and I am only getting worse. Then I hear Hannah get up and get into bed with me. As I am about to kick her out to get back into her own bed she starts rubbing my head. She is softly rubbing my hair and face and it instantly relaxed me. She kept doing this and then gave me a sweet little kiss on my forehead and told me everything was okay and that she loved me. Honestly, I passed out while she was doing this.

After I thought nothing in the world would calm me down, all it took was some love from my 3 year old. Having a night of me correcting and yelling at them all night she still loves me so much. I really don’t know what I would do with out my girls. If anyone else is having a night of anxiety, take a deep a breath and go struggle with your kids. As much as they drive you crazy the love is always there.

Getting back on track

Getting off track is so easy. All it took for me was two weeks of sickness. Both my girls and I were sick at some point over the past couple weeks. As any mom knows you don’t get to rest when your sick.

For two weeks it was long days and nights that sucked the life out of me. By the time we were all better I was still exhausted. Part of that was because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was busy taking care of everyone else.

I didn’t notice I stopped yoga because I was trying to sleep or clean every free minute I had. I didn’t notice I wasn’t eating right or hardly at all.

Most important I didn’t notice what a funk I was in. I was stressed and depressed, it took me a while to fully notice how bad I was.

Nothing is harder than getting back to your good habits. I started by getting sleep, as soon as the girls went to bed so did I. After a couple days of that I went grocery shopping and bought all healthy food.

I need to back to nature go for a walk and get some vitamin D. Lastly I am currently yelling at myself to start yoga again. It is so hard to back a good habit. As they say it is easier to break a habit than to make a habit.

I feel like crap knowing I lost my progress and was fine with it for a while. I just walked around in a funk eating crap. It was way easier to not deal with anything and be lazy.

My physical and mental self do not agree with my laziness. I’m snapping at everyone, I can’t concentrate my anxiety is high again. I need to take a breath and get to work. I am worth the effort to live healthy. I am worth making and keeping these good habits. Take minute to look at yourself and make sure you are taking care of you, because you are worth it.

Accepting help

I don’t know about you but, I am a “I got it” mom. I’m terrible at asking and accepting help. I don’t know if I’m trying to prove that I can do it or if it’s a control issue. Probably a little bit of both.

Yesterday I was sick at home. I’m so stubborn that when my boyfriend told me he would get the girls from preschool I said I got it.

Why do I do it to myself? I live way out of town there is no reason for me to get them. Plus I still feel like crap. As usual I beat myself up for this. Just let someone help what is wrong with you?

For once I listened to myself and told him he could get the girls. Even after I did that I tried giving him instructions on how to do it. He finally just said I got this.

He does got it, he is an awesome dad to our girls. I still stressed about it until they got home. When they came home the girls were so excited that he was the one who picked up. I spent the rest of the night letting him and our two little girls take care of me.

I have to let go and let my family help me. The world didn’t end when I accepted help. To much in my life I start to feel over run, the walls closing in. When there are people all around me who are willing to help. I should be grateful, there are people who don’t have that. For all the “I got it” mom’s take a breath and let someone help.

Yoga is my new best friend!

Listen I hate working out. I have health issues that make traditional gym type exercise really hard. I have used that as an excuse to not work out at all. Now I am bigger and not near as healthy as I would like.

My therapist recommended Adriene Yoga 30 day journey. Not only to help my physical but, also my mental health.

Let me tell you it has been awesome. Now at first I hated it. It was a lot harder than I thought and I couldn’t hardy do it. All it did was show me how weak and unbalanced I was. I couldn’t even get through a full session.

For once I didnt give up. I want to do better for myself. It has not only made me stronger, it showed me how to relax and turn off my mind. As someone who struggles with anxiety it has been a great help.

I can tell a difference with my anxiety in my daily life and it is amazing. I don’t do yoga every day now. I just made sure I keep up the habit. Even if it is just 10 minutes in the morning before the kids wake up.

Things that make you healthy need to be a habit. Not just something you do for a month and then give up. This is your life we are talking about. If you want it to be better. If you want to feel better about yourself. GET UP and do something about it.

It doesn’t matter how you choose to do it. Yoga has worked great for me even if I look like a fool while doing it. Find what works for you. Don’t try one thing and give up. There are tons of ways to get healthy.

So everyone take a breath, pick something that works and stick to it. Even if you are just doing this for your mental health, it is important! It is a healthy way to deal with emotions that you otherwise might not know what to do with. You are worth the effort so get to it!

Am I a bad mom?

Everyone has probably asked themselves this question before. Are you too strict or too lenient? Do I let them watch t.v. too much? Are they outside enough?

There are just too many factors that go into judgment of yourself. I have stressed about this too much, I’m done.

Are my kids healthy, clean and happy? Yes! Do we watch too much t.v. sometimes? Yes! Do I loose my temper and yell when I should be calm sometimes? Yes! Do we have awesome dance parties when we should be getting ready for bed? Yes!

There is always room for improvement. I will always continue to work on myself to be a better mom. I try to also focus on the good that I do with my kids. My kids are amazing and realize when I am having a bad day.

In fact if I’m sick or just admit I’m crabby, they tend to be better for me. We are entirely too hard on ourselves. You are doing a good job. You are a good mom. Your kids love you! So just take a breath we all have bad days. Don’t kill yourself with guilt. No one is a perfect parent. Love your kids and do the best you can.

Date night with my big girl

I recently did something new, I took Hailey out on a mommy daughter date. I have some health issues that have prevented me from taking my girls anywhere by myself. So this was a big deal for me.

Usually my anxiety kicks in which makes my heart issue act up and it’s all down hill from there.

Today there was no issue and I was more than happy about it. We went to see a movie went out to eat and then got ice cream to eat at home. She was amazing the whole time.

The guilt I feel not being able to do normal things with my kids is unreal. Social media is a killer, I try to not compare myself but it’s hard. This date night with Hailey meant the world to the both of us.

Last year I could not have done date night with Hailey. I would have had a panic attack worried that my health would go bad and I would have to called for help.

I have had to just accept the way things are right now. My kids are happy and healthy that is all I should worry about.

If someone offers to take your kids somewhere let them! Don’t feel guilty that you are not the one doing it. Whether it is a money, time or health issue preventing you from doing what you want. We are all doing the best we can as mom’s. Take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back because your doing great.